Reckoning

 April 10, 2010

Whew! It’s been a big year for me.  This question was asked yesterday by a FB friend:  Are you  the person you want to be?  I could immediately say a rousing 75% yes.  That other 25% is stubborn. 

I’m out of therapy since December and that’s been okay. I think I got equipped with enough tools to do the work on my own for now. There is still plenty to do.  Some days I see my self pretty clearly and see where I need to go and the road that will get me there. Others get muddier, cloudier, whatever, and it takes more effort to see the root problem, not just the response I gave. It’s getting easier to wade through the muck though. I’m not as hard on myself as I used to be, and I forgive myself faster than I used to.  I still feel like I blow it with my kids more than I want. (Why can’t I be the mom that doesn’t yell, that is always patient and serene and has the immediate respect of her children?) Blow up days are less, and the boys and I talk about it more openly when I snipe at them, and I’m better at warning them that they are pushing me-which acts as a warning to myself too-and usually gets me to calm down.   Overall, though, there has been a big improvement in my ability to re-direct myself when I need to. Re-directing the boys is another story…

Lucas is fully in his “I don’t want” stage, which any parent will tell you is simply maddening. There is no rationale to most of it, and there is often no easy way out. Distraction, bribing, yelling, not yelling, walking away, time out…none of these tactics consistently work well.  I find myself rifling through my bag ‘o tricks, trying to find just the right one for just that moment, usually failing, because his Id has taken over so fully, that nothing will work until he gets some Ego back.  Thankfully, I know it’s just a stage, so I try to not to take it personally.  Some days, it’s all I can do to be patient, and others, well, I pick him up, put him in the car, strap him in, and do what I need to do while hoping the screaming doesn’t last too long.   In the end, tears are replaced with a plaintive “Can I have a hug?” and all is restored until the next go around. 

Some days have me feeling like a rat on a wheel that will never stop. I think this must be what Lucas feels like when he loses it too. For all of this, there is time and the knowledge that it’s just a phase.  God is a gracious teacher.  My kids are a blessing that make me rich beyond  imagining, even when they make me crazy. There is always room for improvement, and learning, which is part of what parenting is: lessons for the adults too. 

 July 27, 2009

If I could be any female movie lead, I’d be Trinity from The Matrix. The opening scene in that movie is awesome. I love that she’s tough and vulnerable and smart and sexy all in one. Alas, we can’t always be all of those things all of the time.  It’s good to have goals though.

Hmmm. So, therapy or counseling or whatever you want to call it is ongoing. There has been a lot of ground covered, mostly resolving some things from my childhood that have lingered these many years. Some of them I’d thought I’d already worked through, and I realize now, that I barely made a dent. Figuring out who you are is tough stuff at times, partly because some of what shapes you, you had no choice in. I do have choices now, and that allows for much more freedom to change.  

A friend reminded me to remember who I truly am.  The first thought that came to my mind when I pondered that, was that I am a child of God.  That idea, and what it means to me, has been running around my head since then.  If I aspire to live to that standard, then, I truly am free, regardless of my past, for I am forgiven and redeemed, set apart for a purpose.  My heart says “yes!” to all of that, while me head says, “Then how can you be so hard headed, so afraid of letting people in to your heart, so determined to learn all of your lessons the hard way?”  I think that’s the dichotomy of being human: you can have a soul/spirit that wants relationship, and you have free will that can muck it all up. So, in that vein, I’ve got my knee boots on, and am still plowing through the good, the bad, and the needs improvement of Chelsea Dawn. 

 Things to work on: showing greater respect for my husband and kids-because they deserve it, I’m called by God to do it, and I need to model it, being flexible when things don’t go my way, and being gracious when they do.

April 25, 2009

I”m well into therapy now and honestly, it’s been a bit of a roller-coaster ride. I expected this, though it doesn’t make it any easier.  Soul searching is not what this is turning out to be; rather soul grieving, then releasing, then understanding, and moving on.  There have been many instances of the “ah-ha” moments and figuring out how to change behavior if that is what is needed. It’s not always what is needed though.  Sometimes, just a better understanding gives me the freedom to let go and move on to the next thing.  As for the boys, there are more ups than downs now and I’m a lot closer to the 85% good mama that I want to be. The other 15% I’m learning to not feel so guilty about. I’m aware of it, but have stopped beating myself up for a day or two after I think I’ve screwed up.  Most of all, I’m learning to take better care of  Chelsea, and to be self nurturing when needed  instead of putting it off for other things or other people.  Being selfish in this way is necessary and something I’d often overlooked.  It’s all one step at a time, every day, and it’s good to be on the path, bumpy though it may be.

 February 17, 2009

Started counseling three weeks ago after yelling at Lucas to shut-up.  Had to convo with David afterward about that and how big people use words that boys are not supposed to use, etc. and apologize for not being kind. That’s the thing, if I would just listen to my own parenting I’d be good. Be kind. That is rule number one. Be kind.  Play nice.

How come it’s so hard to implement some days?  I think that I’m getting better at understanding why I am the way I am, which helps me mitigate my responses most of the time. I know no one is 100% all of the time, and I don’t expect to be. I told the counselor I’d like to be at 85% though and be able to muddle through the rest with less guilt.  The book I’m reading is talking about contingent communication-that sending a message, having that message understood and acted upon if needed-is vitally important to young children. So, I’ve been making an effort to mirror the messages to make sure we are on the same page, and to not minimize the boo-boo outbursts that sometimes make me a little crazy. I want them to know that they can trust me to care and to understand them or at least that I will try and understand and empathize and not put them off as silly. It’s a small step, but they move you along too.

 Well, the first few weeks after writing Letter of Intent, I was much better. As objectively as I can assess, the amount of yelling dropped about 50% on my part. Since then, some of the bad habits have periodically crept back in and I am reminded that this is something that will require vigilance on my behalf.

I have gotten better about allowing more time to get out the door, which is one of my major triggers. I no longer try to cram it into a 15minute segment. It’s 30 mins or more to get all the winter gear on, bags ready, etc. and I have just started to plan better. It has made a huge difference. 

I have found that the more time I spend in my devotions and in prayer, the better I do.  It’s like a reminder that I’m not alone in this struggle, and that I don’t have to be an angry person, I can choose to be different.  I can choose to be in control of my temper.  Of course, the more sleep I have, the better I do as well.

There is still a lot of work for me to do before I feel that I wont have those “snap” episodes, and truthfully, there have been a small handful this last week or so…I have lost the urge to physically demonstrate my anger (Thank you Lord), and deep breath instead. That sounds hokey, I know, but, it works.  Far from perfect, I continue on-I’m feeling good about the changes that have occured, and I’m smart enough to know that I still have a lot of work to do.