Lately, I’ve been wondering who I have become. There are a number of questions that have been circling my brain, returning again and again like an annoying fruit fly. Well, one of those flies recently turned into a housefly, and it became apparent that taking a few ill aimed swats at it wasn’t going to make it go away. That fly, is one I’ve frankly been afraid to tackle. Yesterday, though, I realized that I needed to get humble and ask: How have I become such an angry person? So, I got on my knees and layed it out before God. Within four hours I took up a book I’d checked out from the library weeks ago, and had refused to open. Therein was my answer. Thank you Lord for your abundant grace…..
If you would have told me four years ago that motherhood would open up the darkest side of my personality, I would have called you a liar. If you would have told me that children, the daily task of raising them, taking care of the house, myself, my husband, my professional life, and maintaining relationships with family and friends would frequently test the limits of my “in-control” demeanor, I would have laughed at you. After all, I’d been charge nurse on a busy oncology floor-I’d managed a growing medical clinic-I’d worked in family practice and done a ton of psyche nursing there-and still managed to stay levelheaded. Sure, there was stress, but if I vented, it was relieved….Basically, I had no idea how emotionally volitile and draining full-time-stay-at-home-mothering would be. I’ve been learning the hard way, and unfortunately for my family, so have they.
I profoundly regret that it has taken me four years to see the depth of my problem. David, it turns out, is my star witness, and adept pupil. It was his tone yesterday when he yelled at Lucas about something that gave me pause…(“Oh, that’s me…crap.”) It’s not that I beat my children, or belittle them, or call them names. Instead of doing these things, I yell at them, barking directions like a drill sargent, and when compliance is slow or non-extistent, well, then I often find myself in this surreal zone of maternal fury that makes me unrecognizable. I will become enraged over the littlest, stupid things, and I blow up and rant at them: “Get your coat on NOW! Stop hitting your brother! If you don’t stop kicking the back of my seat I don’t know what I’m going to do. What do you WANT from me…I’m just one person. Leave me alone for a few minutes, please!” Most of the time, it is not their fault. Most of the time, I can deal in a healthy way. What is not fair to anyone, is that the times when I get overly charged are unpredictable, and potentially dangerous. Up until now, I have been under this false belief that I can control myself, because by and large I have. The few times I have failed, I profoundly regret. Seeing David imitate me though, was a huge red flag that this mama had to make some changes. There has been no lasting damage done, but I know if I don’t change my behavior, my children will lose some of the tenderness that they have, and I cannot bear that. The Bible tells us that we need to confess our sins one to another in the process of forgiveness. For me it is important to get the slate clean in order to move on. So, with a great degree of humility and apprehension, here are my confessions:
1. I put a hole in my closet with my fist last October. Neither child witnessed this. I wouldn’t let Kiel fix it for a long time, so that I would be reminded just how far frustration and fatigue could push me.
2. I put a dent in the kids wall when I threw something at the wall instead of spanking them, which is what I really wanted to do.
3. I have spanked David, once hard enough to leave a mark on his bottom. Spanking is the last resort in this house. I was mortified and ashamed and really fear spanking now.
4. There are times when I’m really angry when I’ll use comparative language with David, which in it’s way, is indirectly undermining to his self esteem.
5. I broke a toy a few weeks ago when I threw it in the garage to get it out of my way. My children did see that, and I know they were scared. I put myself in time out for a few minutes, apologized, and generally felt like an ass the rest of the day.
Those are my biggies. Those things are what I do not want to repeat ever again. The aggressive tendancies I have when pushed too far are not pretty, and certainly not what I want for this home. I had no idea that the book I started reading was written by a Chirstian woman. Her journey into motherhood was very similar to mine, and I found myself closely identifying with her. What made me cry today was this statement:
“God did not give you your son so you could ‘fix’ him or whip him into shape. God gave you your son to make you more like Jesus.”*
Can you say convicted?
You see, I’ve been a parental dictator hiding in the clothing of an authoritarian. I have not been the greatest respecter of my children. I have often demanded complete obedience. I have not sought to crush their spirits, just tame them to my preferences. What kind of person, what kind of mother does this? I have fabulous children. I have moments of profound joy with and because of them. This last year, however, I have really struggled to keep hold of that joy in light of personal resentment and anger. I know this is not healthy, and I know, through God’s grace, and that of my family, I can be better-I can do better for all of us. So, I’m asking for forgiveness here, and compassion, and I’m making a promise to you, to myself, to my children, to God, that I will change. I’m asking for your prayers, and your ears when I need it. I know I’ll be on my knees a lot more, and I know God is the author of this work inside of me.
Humbly,
Chelsea Dawn
PS: For those of you who think it’s strange for me to be talking about God so much, well, that’s another question that’s been circling…and part of a larger thing happening inside of me right now, and well, it’s about time. And I do know that anger is okay if expressed right, and that’s where my struggle has been-hence this letter. I’ll keep a seperate page for status updates, as I feel I need to be accountable about this to someone other than Kiel. He is great, but I’m sure a little too nice at times. That page will be called Reckoning….
*The book: She’s Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill
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