Housekeeping: Okay, yesterday I worked from 9pm-1am, so, anticipating that, on Saturday I put an entry on the Reckoning page that I’m counting as Day 2.
So, one thing most folks don’t know about me is that I can be a bit obsessive and even a bit compulsive. I don’t believe I’m “clinical” in this regard, but it does affect my daily living to some degree. I used to have a thing about my alarm clock: had to check it at least 4-5 times every night to make sure it was set correctly, and that the alarm was on. Some nights, because I knew, knew it was set, I’d hold myself back from checking one last time so Kiel could go to sleep. Not having a 9-5 job took that problem away, much to my relief.
It’s unfortunately been replaced with the garage door. Most days, I start thinking about it about a block away from home. “Did I shut it? I can’t remember putting my hand on my visor? Did I see it go down; did the button work? What if something blocked the sensor after I looked away? I wont be home for three hours, I should go back and make sure….” I’ve had that convo so many times in my head it’s not even funny. At least twice a week I turn the car around to make sure. One time in five years has it actually been open. One time!
I used to not worry about it-the turning around part. Now, with two sets of eyes on me, and two impressionable brains attached to those eyes, I’ve started to check myself more. It’s hard. I need the satisfaction of seeing the door closed. It makes me feel better. I can go through the day without worry. If I resist, I think about it for about an hour. It’s so hard to not turn around. I have a point on my route when I pass, then I absolutely will not go back home. That point makes it seem absurd. A block away, well, that’s just being responsible, right? The problem is that the boys have noticed. I’ve had to talk about it with them. Mommy’s problem. It goes something like this:
David groaning: “Mom, why are we turning around?”
“Um, well, you know, your mom, she just wants to make sure that she closed the garage door.”
“I think you did.” or “Again?”
“Yes, again. Mom just needs to know. She didn’t look. We’ll be gone for a long time and the pipes will freeze. Or: People will take our stuff. Or: I just need to make sure.”
“Okay, Mom.” or sometimes if I’m lucky, “Okay mom, you’re silly!”
“Yeah, I know. I’m silly.”
The thing is, I don’t want them thinking that it’s normal to always be checking, to be anxious like that. I also don’t want them thinking their mom is seriously loony either. I worry about the example I’m setting. I’ve admitted to them that my behavior isn’t quite normal and that it’s something I’m working on. I’ve tried all kinds of things: like waiting in the driveway, or resisting the urge, or even faking that I forgot something, (yes, that’s really bad, I know). They all work for a while. I’m not consistent enough to break the cycle. Recently, I’ve begun saying: “I’m shutting the garage door!” This makes the kids laugh and settles my head that it has been done. This one seems to work the best. I’m going to stick with it. I didn’t today and was a bit embarrassed as the mailman, who I know, watched me do my car jig. He even waived. That was soooo nice of him. I’m hoping writing about it will flip something in my head as well. It seems so ridiculous and time-consuming. I’ll let you know how it goes, cuz it’s really got to go….
Oh me, oh my, sounds like something else you may have inherited. Although I can’t say I’ve ever had an audience notice. With age or no kids around it is not an on going problem for me like it use to be. I now have a clothes iron and curling iron that shut off automatically and our coffee pot brews into an insulated carafe. These modern devices are surely an invention of someone who had to live with a woman insistent upon not just driving back to see the garage door closed, but had to go INTO the house and ‘check,’ for potential fire hazards. Now I have a remote in the car to set the alarm and if I’ve forgotten that, from my cell phone I can set it! I realize the problem is that I have too much on my brain, most times not only are my hands full upon exiting the house, but my brain is running a check list ahead of me and I’m not in the moment. Your idea of saying out-loud “I’m shutting the door” should help tremendously! However if someone could come up with a way to remotely close the garage door from my cell phone much like I can lock my car from yards away, I’d buy it!